Sometimes pages turn more quickly than we expect

So not too long after my latest set of thoughts I receive an email from my son telling me that his grandfather is in grave health and that he is en route to the nursing home where his grandfather currently resides. Now I don't know if you can refer to a father in law as an "ex" father in law since he and I never parted ways...but he is my former father in law.

We had an interesting relationship that changed dramatically for the better when Kate was born and grew even more when Drew came along. I've not seen him in many years, but what I do remember is how withdrawn and how sullen he almost always was. Now, it seems, he will be leaving us and what strikes me is the lack of joy he seemed to have. It's almost as if this is yet another "sign" for those who believe in such things that for me, it is time to not only turn the page but maybe seek out brand new books on what I hope is a long, happy, mystery filled ongoing journey....

funny how some events just seem to happen isn't it?

Turn the page??

So I've never given voice before to the actual thoughts of turning the page and seeking a new adventure. I mean honestly, moving from GHS to WHS was not really a new adventure it was just a change of locale much the same way that moving from Greenwich to Trumbull or Trumbull to Norwalk or even Yonkers to Lenox, MA was a change of locale.

Now, I'm actually for the first time, actually entertaining thoughts of a major change. I have to keep it in perspective as I always hit a low ebb this time of year and in most years a week in the sunshine reinvigorates me. So since that won't happen this year due to scheduling and redirecting things toward the Hawaii trip I do have to take a breath and see if that has anything to do with it.

On the other hand, this feeling is stronger than ever and I've actually begun to put some feelers out about putting a plan in place. I will also take a hard look at all things financial over the next couple of months both short and long term as, of course, that impacts all. The good news is that my M.O. has always been to be more productive when my back is to the wall and if I'm planning on sooner rather than later I would now be officially in "back to the wall" planning mode.

So...for those interested, stay tuned I think, like a roller coaster, the journey as started heading up the last hill and the trip down the other side could be a really wild ride...

It's been more than a year

Since I've waxed philosophic here...On October 24th 2011, my right hip, the first one I had replaced, failed. That caused incredible pain and a disruption in the space time continuum that was my life.
The good news: It was fixed by yet another surgery on 11/14/11 and seems to be getting better as the days go on.
The bad news: it has caused such emotional devastation that even a month and change removed from surgery I am having a very difficult time finding joy in anything. In the past I have always been excited about the onset of the holiday season, this year, I really don't care. In the past I have always looked forward to, and been excited about, putting together a big spread for Christmas Eve and then enjoying the equally great spread Sue puts out for Christmas Day. This year, it seems like drudgery and an obligation.

I have tried and continue to try to pull out of this spiral. The more I try the more I find myself pulling deeper and deeper inward.
There, I've given it voice now, maybe that's the first step in getting rid of it...I can only continue to hope.... 

No Wonder High School Is A Metaphor For Life

Either I'm just callous or I missed the chapter in the book of life where aging should bring on a period of growth and transition. I do remember where in high school everything that happened was high drama, grudges were established, the truth was clouded by hurt feelings that were then exacerbated into issues that never existed either in reality or even in the mind until it was convenient. Small fires were lit that became volcanic eruptions over time when, in fact, those fires had long since been extinguished.

I thought growing into adulthood allowed for frank expressions of the truth, I know, I know, I was around when "plausible deniablilty" was added forever to the dictionary courtesy of Watergate, and I guess I should have learned over the last, going on 40 years since, that nothing really changes. Evolution of the species may be a physical and technological  reality but it has truly skipped the emotional side of things,

I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully adjust to a reality where "truth and justice" take a subordinate position to dancing around how being confronted with the truth might be "perceived", maybe I should be on an island somewhere I don't know. I thought there was a realization that appeasement is not effective, regardless of the reasons and only leads to more trouble down the road.  Detente is good as is peaceful coexistence, but both of those require all parties to agree to disagree and there needs to be honesty and there are times where honesty means disagreement. If everyone followed the same script what a dull place this would be.

So much for random access thoughts.....

Napa Valley Trip Summer 2010

On the afternoon of July 31st, Vinny Bertone came to the house to pick up Amy D., Sue and myself and at 7:30 that evening we took off from JFK for California and what we hoped would be a fun trip to Napa. It turned out to be more than, I think, any of us thought possible. The flight went fine, the baggage pick up easy, the rental car a quick pick up (albeit a very small Mustang for three people and three suitcases) and a quick  overnight at the Holiday Inn Express at the Oakland Airport. We woke up the next morning, had some very bad coffee at the hotel and left for Napa. We had a great breakfast at Gillwood's in St. Helena (I had asparagus benedict that was to die for) along with superb coffee and then made our way a little back up the road to the incredible Harvest Inn.

The Spectacular Harvest Inn!

We checked in, relaxed by the pool for a while and then after the requisite happy hour (having stopped at V.Sattui for "supplies") we were off to dinner at Mustard's Grill where the food was wonderful (Amy and I had THE Mongolian Pork Chop, Sue a marinated Hanger Steak and I started with excellent crab cakes). Back to the pool and the spa and off to bed.

The Mongolian Pork Chop @ Mustard's Grill

Laura and Tracy checked in late that night and we met them for breakfast (Harvest Inn has a wonderful room overlooking their vineyard where a bounteous breakfast is served each morning) and the journey began in earnest. Day 1 was pure debauchery: Four vineyards (Joseph Phelps, Plumpjack, Turnbull, Cakebread) where we each had individual tastings and no lunch (Turnbull put us over the edge with our host constantly refilling glasses after I joined their wine club). Dinner that night was at Press and while the service and the food were both excellent, we were all in a coma at that point however we did manage to rally and hit the pool and spa yet again that evening (yes with more wine along for the ride).

Cakebread Wines, stop #4 on Day 1

Day 2 brought on Sue and my anniversary (#8 for those keeping score) and Groth and Opus One (the 2005 much preferred over the 2006 though both fabulous)  along with an incredible dinner at Michael Chiarello's Bottega.

Groth

Opus One

On the way into Bottega for our 8th Anniversary :)

Day 3 took us to Calistoga where we visited Chateau Montelena (joined another wine club), had a GREAT tour at Schramsberg (along with a seated tasting of multiple bubblies and their signature J.Davies red, and YES another wine club joining), then we stopped to taste at the Wine Garage (already a wine club member there) and sang along to the Partridge Family and Sammy Davis Jr. with the Candy Man playing in the background. Happy as ever, we went back to the Harvest Inn, continued with another Happy Hour, and then off to CIA-Greystone for dinner. (This was the ONLY hiccup on the trip as the service was horrible yet the wine and the food were fine). Yes, back to the spa for an "after party"

Chateau Montelena

Outside Schramsberg

Day 4 was a day to catch up a bit. Tracy and Laura did a LOT of walking, Sue and Amy spent some time in St. Helena just walking in town and I spent about 2 hours flopping at the pool. Sue, Amy and I had a picnic at V.Sattui and met Tracy and Laura at Rubicon Estates for a seated tasting in the member's lounge (yup, already a wine club member there as well, and Tracy joined that one). Dinner was at Brix where the food and the service and the wine (Honig Cab) were spectacular, spa and pool followed as seemed to be the routine.

Tasting @ Rubicon Estates

Day 5 was a free form fun day. We started off at Markham where they were also displaying some original photos of early Rolling Stone covers along with the actual covers, their wine was ok. Then we stopped at Freemark Abbey and had another seated tasting which blew us away. Their 2005 Bouche Cab was a fast favorite of almost everyone, so much so that Tracy bought a bottle (which of course, we consumed that evening). We then had a most incredible lunch next door at the Silverado Brewing Company. An Heirloom Tomato sandwich on sourdough bread was outstanding and just the right touch for the afternoon. We then continued to another seated tasting at Duckhorn, which we were all anticipating but turned out to be good but not nearly as good as Freemark Abbey. However a friend I had not seen in 4 years, Stephen Baldwin, who now teaches in San Fran area, met us at Duckhorn and we had a blast catching up and just shooting the breeze. He came back with us to the Harvest Inn to continue Happy Hour and we had so much fun that we canceled the scheduled dinner at Ubuntu in Napa and just continued with chips and salsa that Sue and Amy had found at a farmer's market, and some bread and cheeses from Dean and Deluca and continued laughing into the evening. (Spa and Pool of course, after Stephen made his way home).

Stephen and Kevin @ Duckhorn

Day 6 was equally amazing. Sue's brother David (a member)  managed to get us into the super secret Bohemian Grove in Monte Rio (about an hour drive, thanks again to Capt. Tracy the driver for all of the week!!!!!). We were not allowed to take pictures of any kind, we could have no electronics, and Amy and I were approached by a security guard just "checking" on us,  after David had parked by a clearly hidden  motion sensor (and the two of us "interlopers" were alone as the rest of the group were climbing up a long path) . It was quite the experience to be able to go to a place where presidents, politicians, captains of industry and famous show biz people hang out once a year in guarded secrecy. We shared wine, bread, cheese, snacks and David and his friend Martin sang for us. A truly memorable day in a memorable week.

Day 7 saw Tracy and Laura leave early for a flight and Amy, Sue and I meander around on the way to our redeye flight. We stopped at Grgich Hills for a tasting (of course), had lunch in Yountville, at Hurley's (reco from Laura and Tracy) and then one last tasting at Domaine Chandon. A reasonable trip back to the airport (in mixed traffic) and the flight took off on time. It was tough sleeping and it took us about 2 days to get back to normal (Amy the animal went to a Yankee game that very afternoon....nice to be young...).

Here is a final list of the places we "tasted" pretty much in order....

V.Sattui

Joseph Phelps

Plumpjack

Turnbull

Cakebread

Groth

Opus One

Schramsberg

Chateau Montelana

Wine garage

Rubicon

Markham

Freemark Abbey

Duckhorn

Grgich Hills

Domaine Chandon

Bottom line, an incredible trip that could not have been any better, with great people, in a wonderful setting and a spectacular hotel. I'll refer back to this periodically in the dead of winter when I'm dragging :)

Graduation Day

Drew got his degree yesterday. He had some bumps along the road, but he dug in, worked like hell (the way he always does) and brought me to the edge of tears watching him walk up in the procession to the stage. Every day I think about it and every day I cannot fathom how incredible my children are. How far they have come, how they have managed to not just survive but overcome some really low points at critical times of their formative years. I regret every nano second where I was so wrapped up in my own emotional depths that I was physically present, and always "provided" but was so distant that I have to thank them for propping me up and getting me through those times. Maybe that's why it's so emotional now, and maybe why I'm so damn proud that I feel like bursting. Add on to all of this a soon to be "third" child, Vicki, Drew's fiance who has been so good for him that I can't thank her enough either.

Andrew, congratulations on your degree!!, Kate, Andrew and Vicki, thanks for making me so proud and for reminding me what it is to be loved.

Full Circle

I found, when growing up (which, of course, would imply that I've grown up when really I'm still in the process), that my relationship with my father was complicated, bordering on the mysterious. As a toddler and pre-teen, he was everything, we'd play catch, we'd swim, he would, as much as his hideous shift work bus driving schedule would allow, spend as much time with me as possible. When I discovered golf at the age of 13, he took it up about a year later. We spent a lot of time together in cars, in the pre-dawn hours, driving to various golf courses where we'd joke, play (badly most of the time) and again, just spend time. I still remember vividly his shot at the 14th hole at Clearview in Queens. It was a par 3, he had a favorite club, a five iron he bought from Korvettes sporting goods department, not knowing when he bought it, it was from a woman's set of clubs that had been broken apart to sell, he loved using that club. He hit the tee shot as well as hit anything, it majestically sailed into the air and we heard it plunk down against the bottom of the flag. As luck would have it, it plunked "out" not in, and even when he removed the flag, the ball stayed out of the cup, cheating him out of what would have been his only hole in one ever. We all laughed, (gave him a 2 on the scorecard), and continued on.

He is also responsible for my love of baseball. I remember watching  him play in a bus company softball league as a very young boy, with a glove the likes of which you can only see at Cooperstown now, (and boy do I wish I had held onto it over the years). I also remember the night he came home from work,came to the park where I was playing (I believe I was 8 years old at the time) and showed me the two tickets he had for a Yankee game. I was glowing. We only had black and white tv so when I got to the stadium and we finally saw the field in full color, my eyes flew open and I don't think, ever closed. (to this day, when I listen to a game on the radio, THAT is the field that is in my mind's eye). He allowed me one souvenir, I chose a Yogi Berra pin with a ribbon and a "bronze" bat and ball hanging from it. (THAT I still have!!) and we watched every inning of a 5-0 Yankee loss where Luis Aparicio, the shortstop of the from then on hated Orioles stole bases at will from my beloved Yogi, and seemed to single handedly  take the game from the Yankees. After the game we walked out on the field (well, I was floating over it), past the monuments and out the Yankee bullpen. (you were allowed to do that back in "the day"), and took the D-train home.

High School and College followed and put fissures in the relationship. So very much time was wasted with disagreements. Far too stupid and far too many to list here. My children then came along, and with them, a renewed closeness. He was the grandfather that everyone would love to have. He helped me buy then paint my first house, sleeping on the floor for a few days so he could do the work while I was at work. He was diagnosed with lung cancer in early 1993, the victim of very bad HMO medical coverage that had missed it much earlier we found out much too late. We had the opportunity to spend time that spring, though by then his oxygen tank was his constant companion. I will never forget our last walk together, about an hour or so around the local streets in Trumbull, joking, reminiscing, settling all business that seemed to have gone unsaid for a ages.

I will also not forget saying goodbye to him as he was in a coma in Calvary Hospice in the Bronx, he seemed to be hanging on and after a while I just said to him, "it's ok to go if you want". We got the call about 8 hours later that he had passed.

Now as my own children age and make me more proud each day, I see what all the hub-bub is about. I never got the chance to tell him I understood and I appreciated all that he put aside for me because I don't think I ever really understood it myself until it was too late. "I was young and I didn't know what to do when I saw your best steps stolen away from you", funny enough the Bruce song that came on the radio ("Walk Like a Man" is the title)  as I was driving to the funeral home to make his final arrangements. It still gets me 17 years later.

Dad, thank you, I love you, and I'll always miss you.